I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
