YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
