it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
