Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
