Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
