There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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