I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
