I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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