dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I could make wine with my vomit
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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