Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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