you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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