i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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