I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
