I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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