so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
