M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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