yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
