She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
