If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
