I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
