The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
