Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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