Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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