the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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