He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
