i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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