I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
