I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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