i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
