When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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