I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
