I think I died a long time ago.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
