i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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