the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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