tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who died my cat blue again?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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