i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
