You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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