just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
