i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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