So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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