Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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