Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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