Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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