i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
