i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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