Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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