Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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