i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
