mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
