When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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