Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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