you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
