Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
