I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
