I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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